Derby practice always wears me out, but tonight it was more emotionally than physically. 

I have really been struggling with confidence issues and fear of injury. I got hit and fell HARD on my tailbone last Tuesday, and then after that I just cannot seem to gain my confidence back, on skates or off. I’m so glad we didn’t do off skates scrimmaging tonight! I was NOT mentally prepared for it yet!! I also struggle with the fear of failure and the fear of injury. and both happened tonight. We skate outdoors on Thursdays, and I was skating down a bit of a hill and fell right on my thigh halfway down. the concrete tore through my tights and gave me a HUGE swath of road rash on the back of my left thigh. It stung SO BAD. and the pain didn’t bother me nearly as much as all the emotions that came flying into me. I nearly busted out in tears!!! I just felt like my confidence was GONE and it was NOT coming back. KP held my hand and skated me back to the chairs so I could sit down and wash out my nasty wound in the bathroom (a horribly painful experience, by the way). but, the way I felt…it just affects me so much. I need to talk to Rampage. I really am starting to wonder if roller derby is for me. Especially since I hate getting injured and am afraid of it. Roller derby is a FULL CONTACT sport, and I’m just not sure if I’m up for the idea of breaking a bone or tearing a ligament or something like that. Especially around my arm/wrist/hand area. With my profession, if I break just ONE FINGER, I am OUT till that thing heals!!! Not only could it knock me out of my work, but it could also take out my ability to draw and paint, two very valuable skills. I just am all sorts of confused tonight. I enjoy the sport and I love it, but I’m starting to wonder if I really want to actually PLAY it. I’m considering being a ref instead. I wouldn’t have to worry about the hits and such (unless someone gets hit and comes sliding my way!), but I would have to skate very well, worry about rules and penalties and such, and have lots of angsty women get pissy over calls. I’ll talk to my coach about that too! Lots of thinking and praying and advice shall commence before I make a final decision, of course. but still, the events of the past week have burnt me out and made me question a lot of things.

Part of me wishes that I was tougher, more athletic, more coordinated in the gross motor skill department, but those things don’t come naturally to me. I’m an introvert. I’m highly sensitive. I’m an artist. Athletic things have never come all that naturally to me, and now I’m trying to figure out how much I want to push through the learning curve and invest my time into this. It’s a LOT of time, and my time is valuable, especially once I get a full time job (hopefully soon). 

gah, decisions, decisions!! 

I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and I don’t want to just give up, but I really don’t know if I want to do this anymore. 

:’(